Picture a serene scene. The most serene scene you have ever seen. One in a park of lovely green. (Forgive the Dr. Seuss treatment. I’ll stop.) Anyway, the grass is soft, the breeze light. Above you, the Brooklyn Bridge stands like some granite colossus, straddling the East River. It is majestic and powerful, enhancing the beauty and serenity of the surrounding park through it’s monumental architecture. A tugboat sounds a wistful horn in the distance. A gull soars overhead, starkly white against the bright blue of the sky. You are alone in a city of 8 million….lying cradled between the soft, cool grass and the warm midday sun.
Now, as you picture this wonderful scene, picture also a family of five. They stomp onto your soft delicate lawn, bickering, dropping litter, and dragging an assortment of towels, loud radios, kids, toys, lotions, hats, smells, and Teddy Grahams. They are a hurricane ravishing your oasis. They are a monster truck, tearing across your field of wildflowers, leaving a scar of mud and a cloud of diesel fumes. They march across the vast openness, and plop down, still bickering, right beside you. Your fortress of solitude is invaded, and you have been rendered powerless by the red sun of Krypton. (Okay, nerdy metaphor, but stay with me.)
Soon, a young couple arrives. They are ill dressed in spiky clothes and gothic makeup. They lie mere feet away from you, alternating between sharing a 7-11 slurpee and making out luridly. They smell funny. Their uncomfortably-tight yet trendy-in-some-circles clothing slips about to reveal rolls of fat and unsettling bulges. They grope and straddle each other openly in simulated love-making poses. You become sandwiched between them and the family of five.
To begin with…what the hell? Lately it seems like I can’t walk five feet down the streets of NYC without someone in my visual or auditory range deciding to hawk one right on the sidewalk in front of me! What the heck is the malfunction that results in thousands of people being unable to swallow their own saliva?!?!
The dictionary defines “spit” as (among other things) “saliva, especially when ejected forcefully from the mouth.” Okay, but what’s in it that people feel as though it can’t be swallowed? Am I in some kind of danger that I wasn’t aware of? Maybe it’s bad for you, and I should have been spitting all my life? Further research tells me that saliva “is 98% water, which carries electrolytes, mucus, antibacterial compounds and various enzymes.” Hmm….well, I know electrolytes are good, because that’s what they put in Gatorade to make people into super athletes. Of course, mucus is a secretion of mucus membranes like those found in the sinuses and nose. A little more digging (on wikipedia, not in my nose) reveals that mucus is a mixture of antiseptic enzymes and immunoglobulins , which are proteins found in the bodily fluids of vertebrates and are used to support immune function. And finally, we have antibacterial compounds which are…well…antibacterial compounds.
Hmm…so lets see….electrolytes, enzymes, supports immune function, antibacterial properties. Is it me, or does this sound like something that if bottled and sold in the herbal remedy section of the supermarket, would result in more sales than the last issue of Maxim where Linsey Lohan was…oh sorry. Think of the uses! It could be applied to cuts and bruises to help prevent infection and speed healing (Moms, keep kissing those boo-boos). Different formulations could be traded to help ensure that immune systems were developing antibodies (teens, keep making out in parked cars), it could be used to rinse teeth and build a bacterial barrier, remove food particles, and prevent cavities!
So enough with the spitting already, America. Spit is good for you! And spitting doesn’t make you look cool, if that’s what you think. Nice people swallow (or so I’ve heard), and they’re healthier for it!
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